Ever heard of a “beer tower”?

For the uninitiated, beer towers are sort of a pitcher on steroids — a type of mini, skinny, new-aged keg. You can view beer towers for home use [alas, empty] from $35 on Amazon.  There are also more commercial versions.

A single beer tower typically holds as much liquid as two or three pitchers (or, as we say around my house, “one Uncle Lester”). Some beer towers have options, like an ice chamber to keep the beverage of your choice chilled while you and your posse “work” on emptying the tower. Others have interior lights to entertain if not illuminate the beery-eyed. No word yet on automatic transmissions, power steering, audio systems or – heaven forbid! – brakes.

Which gets us to the legal part of this blog. Certain local restaurants have used beer towers to serve beer in their licensed establishments. Indeed, we’re told that beer towers are particularly favored by the considerate kind of folk who hate to inconvenience their fellow patrons by monopolizing a server’s time in continually refilling their glasses or pitchers.

Which leads to the “issue,” as we say in legalese. For, you see, bulk consumer beer table service is not necessarily favored by the licensing authorities. Indeed, years ago the Massachusetts Alcoholic Beverages Control Commission (“ABCC”) adopted a set of regulations (“Regs”) that are now universally known as the “Happy Hour Regs”. For those of us who matured prior to their adoption – and remember real, live, actual Happy Hours – the Happy Hour Regs really should be called the “Elimination of Happy Hour” Regs, since they prohibit a number of once common methods of enticing people into bars and restaurants to enjoy themselves and spend money while overdrinking – practices including free drinks, reduced-priced drinks, increased-volume drinks, fixed-price drinking, and drinking games, contests and prizes. The Happy Hour Regs are reprinted in full on the ABCC’s website.

Two particular Happy Hour Regs with potentially specific application to restaurant beer towers prohibit (1) the delivery of “more than two drinks to one person at one time”, and (2) the sale, offer to sell, or delivery of “malt beverages or mixed drinks by the pitcher except to two or more persons at any one time”. Those of you who’ve gone to law school, or perhaps have just developed an unholy love for beer towers, might point out that a beer tower could be considered a “single” drink, since after all a tower IS a single if somewhat super-sized container. We might call this the “Uncle Lester Proviso”. Other quibblers might note that a beer tower is not a “pitcher”. We might call this – especially around Yankees fans – the “Carl Pavano Exception”.

However, such creativity would certainly be lost on the licensing authorities in Boston, and probably just about anywhere.  The March of Progress is not always a straight line.